The MTD

The only part of this I take credit for is contributing to the stereotype. It doesn’t only apply to mini tour players, it pretty much applies to all golfers that take themselves too serious.

I know just as many 15 handicaps that follow many of these rules. They apply to all of us who play and are frustrated. What you don’t want is more than half of them to apply to you. I have personally assaulted people who all of these rules apply to. :-D

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2010 Official MTD (Mini Tour D0uche) Rules of Golf

2010 Revisions
1) If an MTD fly’s a green he shall immediately scream, “F-ng new grooves!”
2) He must also blame it on the new grooves when his chips don’t check properly.

Rule 1 College and Amateur Golf

An MTD shall have either…

1.1) Gotten kicked off his college team.

1.2) Gotten f-d by his college coach because he qualified for at least 20
tournaments but his coach didn’t pick him for a single one.

1.3) Not graduated from college.

1.4) Not played college or major amateur golf but just decided to turn pro.

1.5) All of these can be trumped if the MTD got kicked off his high school team and
turned pro shortly after.

Rule 2 Tee Times
2.1) An MTD always gets a terrible tee time.
-It shall be windier and the greens faster, firmer and bumpier during the MTD’s
round. Overall the conditions will be about 2 to 4 strokes more difficult per round
and if the MTD would get a better wave he would have a better chance to make
the cut (See rule 6).

Rule 3 Putting
3.1) An MTD shall never make anything and all other players in his group will drop
bombs all day long.

3.2) An MTD shall average “like” 6 lip-outs per round.

3.3) MTD’s would also shoot much lower if they didn’t have five three-jacks and a
four-jack every round.

3.4) If another competitor makes more than one long putt or has a chip-in during a
great round that round becomes invalid and that player is not a great player. An
MTD shall say something like this…”He shot 65 but he made “like” six bombs
and had two chip-ins so it really wasn’t that good.” (See Rule 8.4 GFSRE)

Rule 4 Ball Striking
4.1) All MTD’s shall be great ball strikers and it is their putting and poor tee times
that hold them back from success (See Rule 2 and Rule 3).

4.2) An MTD shall always act like he didn’t catch a great drive very good because
he will look more credible when his “miss hits” are still really long.

4.3) An MTD shall have “like” 200 yards or less into every par five and hit every
green in regulation but can’t get a f****** putt to drop.

4.4) Whenever asked what club he hit on the last par 3 the MTD must say he didn’t
hit it full so he looks more like a player that has an arsenal of shots. He can
use any of the following to describe his 6 iron: little, softy, flossy, chippy,
baby, bunty, knockdown, halvesie, three-quarter, 20 percent, tiny, sawed off,
finessed, arm swing…

Rule 5 Sick Wardrobes
5.1) An MTD’s wardrobe shall be worth more than the tournament entry fee.

5.2) Hair gel should be worn when wearing a visor.

5.3) White belts and white pants shall be worn during the final round with the
collar popped.

5.4) Easter shall be celebrated year round by fluorescent shirt colors.

5.5) Pants are required regardless of the heat index.

5.6) Oversized belt buckles are not required in 2010 but will be starting December
31, 2011.

Rule 6 Cuts
6.1) When an MTD misses a cut, he shall miss the cut by “like” one which could
have easily been avoided if he had a better tee time (see Rule 2.1) or had less
lip-outs (see Rule 3.2)

6.2) The cut line in MTD events shall always be stupidly low, somewhere around 6
deep. On tour the cuts are never that low but on the MTD circuit you have to
shoot in the mid 60’s every time.

6.3) If an MTD MC’s he shall get so drunk that he flirts with death.

6.4) If an MTD MC’s he shall talk about all the bad breaks he got over the week
and complain about his money situation and how he might not be able to
afford Q-School. He shall talk about these things in hopes he can get some
sympathy from fellow MTD’s. Following this self pity session he shall not
practice after the round but immediately go to a bar and spend a minimum of
$100.

Rule 7 Equipment
7.1) An MTD shall play all clubs of the same brand to pretend he is sponsored by
that brand. He shall also wear the clothes of that brand.

7.2) When an MTD needs a new club he always has to call his “guy” and get one
shipped to him. Sometimes, but not always, an MTD’s “guy” is completely
made up for credibility purposes. A “guy” is a supposed club rep that can get
MTD’s anything they want for free. A lot of the time after digging deeper it is
discovered that this “guy” is a buddy that works at Golfsmith and can get a
10% discount for the MTD.

7.3) An MTD must use a staff bag whenever possible for credibility purposes.

Rule 8 Scoring
8.1) If an MTD is asked, “How did you play?” he shall never simply say his score.
He shall roll his eyes and talk about how much windier and tougher the course
conditions were when he played. He shall then go on saying how he hit 18
greens but had 14 lip-outs and nine 3-jacks and if he didn’t have that bullsh#t
lost ball he would have done four shots better. After all this you are left with
no idea what he shot.

8.2) If directly asked, “What did you shoot?” an MTD only responds with one
number. That number is automatically understood to be how many under par
the player was for the day because MTD’s are so dope they never shoot over
par.

8.3) If an MTD shoots between 2 (understood as 2 under) and 5 (5 under) the
MTD shall look disgusted, roll his eyes and turn his hat backwards while
saying his score so all the fellow MTD’s know how good he is and how he’s
unhappy with scores in the mid to high 60’s.

8.4) Got F-d Score Reduction Score Equalizer (GFSRE) – The score the MTD
deserved to shoot based on the actual score adjusted for the sum of his bad
breaks multiplied by that categories respective GFSRE coefficient. This
adjusted GFSRE score is used to determine actual credibility among MTD’s
because stroke play is not an accurate enough measure.

Common GFSRE multiples…
-0.5*(# Lip-outs)
+0.5*(# Long Putts Made)
+1*(# Chip-ins)
+0.25*(Up and down for par outside 20 yards)
-1*(# 3 Putts)
-1*(Bad tee time)
-0.1* (MPH Wind)

Example…”I go so f-d. It started blowing 20 mph right when I got on #1 tee
and it was dead calm the rest of the day. I shot even but I had like six lip-outs and
two 3-jacks and this other bro in my group shot 3 but he had a chip in and made
like 5 bombs.

Player A: 72 – 0.1(20) mph wind – .05(6) lip-outs – 1(1) Bad tee time – 1(2)
Three Jacks = 64

Player B: 69 + 0.5(5) Long Putts + 1(1) chip-in = 72.5

In this calculation player A receives a GFSRE of 64 and player B 72.5. The
reason player B did not receive deductions for wind and a poor tee time is because
the MTD never factors in that everyone else in his wave played in the exact same
conditions. By these calculations it is obvious that player A had a much better
day but he just got f-d.

Rule 9 Course Conditions
9.1) No matter where the MTD is playing or what the Stimpmeter reads the greens
always suck and are always slow.
-Exception – If the greens are somewhat fast then they are running “like” 14.

9.2) If an MTD hits a bunker shot somewhat fat he shall yell, “There is so much
f****** sand in here!” Likewise if he hits a bunker shot thin he must scream,
“There is no f-ing sand in here! They never have to deal with these sh*tty
bunkers on Tour!”

9.3) The tee boxes are never level at mini tour events and if an unlevel tee box
causes an off line shot the MTD must bury his club in the box and yell,
“F-ng tee box!”

9.4) The fringe collars at MTD events are massive. Every time an MTD lands a
chip somewhere near the edge of the green even if it isn’t anywhere near the
collar and it goes past the hole he must yell, “F-ing hit the collar!”

9.5) MTD’s would shoot lower scores if they didn’t end up in a divot on every
f-ing hole.

Rule 10 Practice Rounds / Pro-Ams
10.1) An MTD always shoots at worst “like” 7 (See rule 8.2) in the practice round
or pro-am.

10.2) An MTD must hit a minimum of 4 vanilla wedge shots from 100 yards every
hole, not fix the divots, and then hit 14 chips while complaining about pace of
play. He must then complain about finishing in divots during the tournament
(See rule 9.5)

Rule 11 Attitude
11.1) If an MTD hits a good wedge shot to 15 feet he must act disgusted.

11.2) If an MTD is playing well and is about 5 under (sorry just 5) for the day and
hits one poor shot he must yell “what’s wrong with me today!?” This makes
him look more credible to other MTD’s.

18 Responses to “ “The MTD”

  1. Dave Dunlop says:

    loved reading this when it was first posted on wrx, does make me chuckle! im even guilty of a few of them :)

  2. Walter says:

    Monte, had you ever thought about doing a comedy routine in Las Vegas

  3. Calvin says:

    Funny stuff.

    Un-level tee boxes: There was one really bad one at my course and we used the divot sand on the cart to work on it. Took a year but we got it leveled. One foursome can change the world. :)

  4. banner12 says:

    Monte, the MTD sounds suspiciously like you…
    :)

  5. theMIKE says:

    Hi Monte, i feel your pain, (with green speed, posing attitude), but as to uneven tee boxes, bunker conditions and so on, the answer should be simple:
    “hey you, if you want to figure out how much you suck at golf, go play in Europe and perhaps some real links golf, otherwise, shut up and enjoy your improvement on uneven lies, various bunker types, greens”.

    We do not have too many of those highly manicured fabricated USGA-type golfing theme parks here, so golf in Europe is the real deal (looking on the world rankings, it probably is.)

    • Mike Z says:

      Agree with your point regarding course conditions and disagree on the world rankings.

      Level of golf in Europe is great and full of great players, but the bias toward European players in the Top XX WR spots is a result of systematic flaws in the point allocations rather than a reflection that European golf is “better”. The first flaw is that the rankings award equal points to most PGA and European tour events for political reasons – in reality, field strength in standard PGA tour events is stronger than Europe simply because the money is better (e.g. you are more likely to see a good Euro tour player in a PGA event than vice versa). This fact makes points on the Euro tour “easier” to win than points in the USA, which in turn makes it easier for Euro players to qualify for WGC events, which in turn are worth more points than standard events, perpetuating the cycle.

      So, when the World Rankings are disproportionately populated by Euro/Intl players, it isn’t because they are noticeably better. It’s because they get access to more points than PGA tour guys. In reality the level of skill is pretty close between the two, even by the razor-thin margins of Tour standards.

  6. theMIKE says:

    I‘m sorry for being provocative:) I just wanted to stick with the branding of this blog:)
    I am no expert on WR points but I always thought they relate to the strength of the field?
    But, just take one example:
    2.1 Wind
    many if not most British players grew up with being forced to learn how to play in at times randomly gusting wind at shores, called Scottish links courses, take a shorter backswing, more club and use the contours of the landscape to roll it on and perhaps close. That skill is not very common in the US, while in Britain it is much more common. So, having that in your bag, you don’t complain about changing wind conditions too much, it’s part of the game. The exception being if someone ridiculous put that green on an island, well, great fun, but unplayable if there is really gusting wind. In fact, there is a tendency on USGA type championship courses to make whole greens inaccessible for rolling it on. As Monte played this island green, he went IMO down and shallowed it out, it’s a guess, but that is not a shot you want to play too many times during a round. The other way around, European greens are often much smaller and not so receptive, so, keeping it low and rolling it on is often the much more controlled play and you have to master both if you play for eg. both tours (or the ET alone, because you have all types of courses here).

    I think we can list more examples, but this is a pretty good one.

    • theMIKE says:

      Ps.
      And what the sense of “multilayered engineering of special surface areas into the nature” is something I have learned to question. That is another US invention which came late to Europe.
      Most weekend golfers do not hit regularly a high enough trajectory and speed to stop it, most of them bounce everything from mid irons forward. Of course on very soft and saturated greens they can slightly stop it, I guess the design philosophy of US greens tends to build them that most of the time folks can stop their ball within reasonably distance with the irons. That costs a lot of money to build and maintain.
      Traditionally, European courses had not seen this and greens were in fact only shorter mown fairway grass, ball to be bounced on preferably. That until this great invention of US greens came along.

      95% of folks can’t really putt, but they are the ones who fund and are the backbone of this game, any longer putt made is luck, and I think there is no difference in scoring if that is simply shorter cut and well maintained fairway grass or a specially build fast carpet. Opposite, I think it may be easier, especially on short putts to have a longer grass, you hit it a tad firmer and it goes straighter.
      And it needs so much less in fertilizers, fungicides and so on.
      Plenty to argue about…

      And I miss Tom Watson competing (ok, champions tour, no, with the young guns), one who masters real linksgolf to perfection, at Augusta he doesn’t even make the cut. Absolute pity.

  7. Mike Z says:

    Yep, totally agree. By natural selection, kids that grew up playing in Europe (particularly the UK) must become more skilled in controlling their shots and developing a feel for the game, while players from the USA and Australia are not always required to develop these skills in order to be competitive (think of, say, Nick Faldo’s career compared to the probably-more-talented Davis Love III’s).

    But that’s not why Euros are ranked so high! The system is rigged :)

    • theMIKE says:

      :) perhaps it is because over the time ET competitions have seen more and more participation of top WR players showing up or developing here, or even Tiger getting paid to start at some mideast ET competitions, at his peak, he brought a lot of points into our competition, or phil or.. (see, your fault, should not let them play over here:)). now you have players of the caliber of rory, lee westwood, martin kaymer, who add a lot of points to ET competitions and it certainly is effecting each other, better players playing, more points, more players moving up, bringing more point in.

  8. theMIKE says:

    Another rant:
    TGC, CBS, NBC, perfect hot & putting contest, advertising rampage, that is adding a lot to Monte’s list. Ever watched SKY transmissions of ET competitions? that is fun. Only on US transmissions, SKY is annoying, because they have to interrupt each time if in the US are are having advertisment breaks and do non sensical talking instead of showing golf. On ET competitions you see much more real golf, pro’s beeing in the weeds and all whats in there.

  9. theMIKE says:

    [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGz-uzGaJgA&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3

    LOL, That is a play where you won’t see MTD’s, the jelly hair won’t last a round:)
    I take that US invention without blinking:)

  10. thomas says:

    I think it is funny how much of a MTD player Monte sounds when he posts about his rounds. And I am talking about putting now.

  11. The Original Brian says:

    I’m certainly guilty of the putting excuses..

    A hypothetical scenario after my round: Guys I hit 14 greens, shot 72 and missed 8 putts inside 10 feet.. I should have shot 64 guys, I swear!

  12. pcb_duffer says:

    Rule 12: Distance Measuring Devices
    GPS units, range finders, etc, are always wrong. There’s no f# way it’s only 245 to fly that bunker, I fly it 270 and am right in the middle.

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