The only part of this I take credit for is contributing to the stereotype. It doesn’t only apply to mini tour players, it pretty much applies to all golfers that take themselves too serious.
I know just as many 15 handicaps that follow many of these rules. They apply to all of us who play and are frustrated. What you don’t want is more than half of them to apply to you. I have personally assaulted people who all of these rules apply to. 😀
2010 Official MTD (Mini Tour D0uche) Rules of Golf
1) If an MTD fly’s a green he shall immediately scream, “F-ng new grooves!”
2) He must also blame it on the new grooves when his chips don’t check properly.
Rule 1 College and Amateur Golf
An MTD shall have either…
1.1) Gotten kicked off his college team.
1.2) Gotten f-d by his college coach because he qualified for at least 20
tournaments but his coach didn’t pick him for a single one.
1.3) Not graduated from college.
1.4) Not played college or major amateur golf but just decided to turn pro.
1.5) All of these can be trumped if the MTD got kicked off his high school team and
turned pro shortly after.
Rule 2 Tee Times
2.1) An MTD always gets a terrible tee time.
-It shall be windier and the greens faster, firmer and bumpier during the MTD’s
round. Overall the conditions will be about 2 to 4 strokes more difficult per round
and if the MTD would get a better wave he would have a better chance to make
the cut (See rule 6).
Rule 3 Putting
3.1) An MTD shall never make anything and all other players in his group will drop
bombs all day long.
3.2) An MTD shall average “like” 6 lip-outs per round.
3.3) MTD’s would also shoot much lower if they didn’t have five three-jacks and a
four-jack every round.
3.4) If another competitor makes more than one long putt or has a chip-in during a
great round that round becomes invalid and that player is not a great player. An
MTD shall say something like this…”He shot 65 but he made “like” six bombs
and had two chip-ins so it really wasn’t that good.” (See Rule 8.4 GFSRE)
Rule 4 Ball Striking
4.1) All MTD’s shall be great ball strikers and it is their putting and poor tee times
that hold them back from success (See Rule 2 and Rule 3).
4.2) An MTD shall always act like he didn’t catch a great drive very good because
he will look more credible when his “miss hits” are still really long.
4.3) An MTD shall have “like” 200 yards or less into every par five and hit every
green in regulation but can’t get a f****** putt to drop.
4.4) Whenever asked what club he hit on the last par 3 the MTD must say he didn’t
hit it full so he looks more like a player that has an arsenal of shots. He can
use any of the following to describe his 6 iron: little, softy, flossy, chippy,
baby, bunty, knockdown, halvesie, three-quarter, 20 percent, tiny, sawed off,
finessed, arm swing…
Rule 5 Sick Wardrobes
5.1) An MTD’s wardrobe shall be worth more than the tournament entry fee.
5.2) Hair gel should be worn when wearing a visor.
5.3) White belts and white pants shall be worn during the final round with the
5.4) Easter shall be celebrated year round by fluorescent shirt colors.
5.5) Pants are required regardless of the heat index.
5.6) Oversized belt buckles are not required in 2010 but will be starting December
Rule 6 Cuts
6.1) When an MTD misses a cut, he shall miss the cut by “like” one which could
have easily been avoided if he had a better tee time (see Rule 2.1) or had less
lip-outs (see Rule 3.2)
6.2) The cut line in MTD events shall always be stupidly low, somewhere around 6
deep. On tour the cuts are never that low but on the MTD circuit you have to
shoot in the mid 60’s every time.
6.3) If an MTD MC’s he shall get so drunk that he flirts with death.
6.4) If an MTD MC’s he shall talk about all the bad breaks he got over the week
and complain about his money situation and how he might not be able to
afford Q-School. He shall talk about these things in hopes he can get some
sympathy from fellow MTD’s. Following this self pity session he shall not
practice after the round but immediately go to a bar and spend a minimum of
Rule 7 Equipment
7.1) An MTD shall play all clubs of the same brand to pretend he is sponsored by
that brand. He shall also wear the clothes of that brand.
7.2) When an MTD needs a new club he always has to call his “guy” and get one
shipped to him. Sometimes, but not always, an MTD’s “guy” is completely
made up for credibility purposes. A “guy” is a supposed club rep that can get
MTD’s anything they want for free. A lot of the time after digging deeper it is
discovered that this “guy” is a buddy that works at Golfsmith and can get a
10% discount for the MTD.
7.3) An MTD must use a staff bag whenever possible for credibility purposes.
Rule 8 Scoring
8.1) If an MTD is asked, “How did you play?” he shall never simply say his score.
He shall roll his eyes and talk about how much windier and tougher the course
conditions were when he played. He shall then go on saying how he hit 18
greens but had 14 lip-outs and nine 3-jacks and if he didn’t have that bullsh#t
lost ball he would have done four shots better. After all this you are left with
no idea what he shot.
8.2) If directly asked, “What did you shoot?” an MTD only responds with one
number. That number is automatically understood to be how many under par
the player was for the day because MTD’s are so dope they never shoot over
8.3) If an MTD shoots between 2 (understood as 2 under) and 5 (5 under) the
MTD shall look disgusted, roll his eyes and turn his hat backwards while
saying his score so all the fellow MTD’s know how good he is and how he’s
unhappy with scores in the mid to high 60’s.
8.4) Got F-d Score Reduction Score Equalizer (GFSRE) – The score the MTD
deserved to shoot based on the actual score adjusted for the sum of his bad
breaks multiplied by that categories respective GFSRE coefficient. This
adjusted GFSRE score is used to determine actual credibility among MTD’s
because stroke play is not an accurate enough measure.
Common GFSRE multiples…
+0.5*(# Long Putts Made)
+0.25*(Up and down for par outside 20 yards)
-1*(# 3 Putts)
-1*(Bad tee time)
-0.1* (MPH Wind)
Example…”I go so f-d. It started blowing 20 mph right when I got on #1 tee
and it was dead calm the rest of the day. I shot even but I had like six lip-outs and
two 3-jacks and this other bro in my group shot 3 but he had a chip in and made
like 5 bombs.
Player A: 72 – 0.1(20) mph wind – .05(6) lip-outs – 1(1) Bad tee time – 1(2)
Three Jacks = 64
Player B: 69 + 0.5(5) Long Putts + 1(1) chip-in = 72.5
In this calculation player A receives a GFSRE of 64 and player B 72.5. The
reason player B did not receive deductions for wind and a poor tee time is because
the MTD never factors in that everyone else in his wave played in the exact same
conditions. By these calculations it is obvious that player A had a much better
day but he just got f-d.
Rule 9 Course Conditions
9.1) No matter where the MTD is playing or what the Stimpmeter reads the greens
always suck and are always slow.
-Exception – If the greens are somewhat fast then they are running “like” 14.
9.2) If an MTD hits a bunker shot somewhat fat he shall yell, “There is so much
f****** sand in here!” Likewise if he hits a bunker shot thin he must scream,
“There is no f-ing sand in here! They never have to deal with these sh*tty
bunkers on Tour!”
9.3) The tee boxes are never level at mini tour events and if an unlevel tee box
causes an off line shot the MTD must bury his club in the box and yell,
“F-ng tee box!”
9.4) The fringe collars at MTD events are massive. Every time an MTD lands a
chip somewhere near the edge of the green even if it isn’t anywhere near the
collar and it goes past the hole he must yell, “F-ing hit the collar!”
9.5) MTD’s would shoot lower scores if they didn’t end up in a divot on every
Rule 10 Practice Rounds / Pro-Ams
10.1) An MTD always shoots at worst “like” 7 (See rule 8.2) in the practice round
10.2) An MTD must hit a minimum of 4 vanilla wedge shots from 100 yards every
hole, not fix the divots, and then hit 14 chips while complaining about pace of
play. He must then complain about finishing in divots during the tournament
(See rule 9.5)
Rule 11 Attitude
11.1) If an MTD hits a good wedge shot to 15 feet he must act disgusted.
11.2) If an MTD is playing well and is about 5 under (sorry just 5) for the day and
hits one poor shot he must yell “what’s wrong with me today!?” This makes
him look more credible to other MTD’s.